Chapter 4 – The Bathroom

Later that same night.

Upstairs, shared bathroom between the Master and some other bedroom of no consequence in comparison.

Edward Cullen POV

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock.

“I said I’d be right out,” she sang in that really… fucking… annoying way she liked to when she was being pissy, but didn’t want to have to admit she was being pissy.

I was on to her, though.

“Why are you even using this bathroom?”  I jiggled the handle as though I could magically open the damn thing. “You have a huge bathroom in your master suite,” I told her, making those stupid air quotes at the door like she could see me through it or something.

“I don’t like that bathroom.”

Okaaaaaaay… “Any particular reason why you don’t you like your five hundred square foot bathroom?”

“I dunno… It’s… creepy.”

Really?   The cookie cutter new construction master bath is creepy?    “Are you fucking with me?”

“No, I’m not… fucking with you… the shower doesn’t even have a door and there’s no barrier between the bathroom and the bedroom… anyone could walk in and just… see me.”

I scowled at the door, blinking a couple of times to let that all sink in.  She actually sounded concerned that this was a possibility.  I looked around me, as though I half expected to find more people standing around. 

“Um, you do realize we live here alone, right?”

“Well what’s to stop you from just… barging in and…”

I cut her off, laughing loudly.  A little too loudly, actually.  I don’t know where that came from. 

I mean aside from the fact that I’d rather spit pins and needles before giving her the satisfaction of thinking I had even the slightest… most remote of inappropriate thoughts with regards to her body… Did she not understand the concept of how doors and locks worked?

Which reminded me of something.   And gave me a great idea.  I reached up onto my toes to feel along the top of the door’s frame until I found it.

A master door key.  Yes.

Knock knock knock knock knock.

“Edward, I swear to god…”

“This is not your bathroom, Brunhilda.  I am therefore officially, and quite reasonably, I think, requesting you evacuate immediately,” I urged her and then heard an exaggerated huff.

“Man of the… Use one of the other bathrooms, there’s four in this house you know. And stop trying to sound so official… you don’t own this house.”

I mocked her silently, making a face at the door.  You don’t own this house.

“Um… neither do you, FYI…” I very respectfully advised her.  “And since there are so many other bathrooms, why don’t you go lay claim to one of them?”

“I think I already have.”

She was reeeeeaaaallly asking for it. Smug… smarmy… bitchy…

“I’m giving you one more chance to come out willingly.”

“Or what?” she laughed, insinuating she could take me in a one on one type situation. I just shook my head at her cockiness, but I remained calm.  I knew how to shut out the distractions.

“One…”

Nothing, just silence. I slipped the key into the tiny hole of the door knob and felt around quietly until it clicked into place with the mechanism inside.

“Two….”

Still, she ignored me.  I turned the key until the door was now unlocked and I grabbed the knob, twisting it ever so gently.

“Are you coming out?”

“Go… away Edw…”

Now.  I don’t really like to talk about the events that followed.  It still gives me nightmares… but for you, I’ll try.  I warn you though, I’m a little hazy on the deets due to the fact that I may or may not have blocked a few things out, subconsciously.

See, as she was saying my name that last time, I was thrusting the door open with one, huge ass, I just pwned your ass again grin on my face… and that’s when it happened.

Ever hear the theme music to Psycho playing in your head during a monumentally horrific experience?

Well, that would be me.

As I took in the naked body before me, which should have been a good thing, but in this case, not so much on account of the crazy shit she had plastered all over her for some reason… my face contorted in slow motion, it felt like, from happy go lucky pain in the ass to sheer… horror.

And screaming.

There was lots and lots of screaming.  High pitched, could probably only be heard by tiny dogs, far… far away screaming.

And that was just me.

I couldn’t look away though, no matter what abomination of the human form awaited me. “Oh…. Shit!  My eyes!”

Stop looking!  Stop looking at her tits!

Those ARE her tits, right?

I couldn’t help but take a peek.

“Ohmygod what the fuck are you doing!?” she yelled, making an attempt to cover what I was fairly certain had been her completely nude body with one hand, while she reached for a towel with the other.  

That’s when I noticed… her face.  It was slathered in… “Jesus what is that!”

And she’s screaming incoherently now.  Things like “Dick” and “Asshole” and “Balless wonder” are flying around in the air and I’m just trying to figure out what episode of The Twilight Zone it all reminded me of.

An arm swung at me.  I think.  It was some sort of limb, anyway, and one of my legs made this weird knee jerk reaction and batted her hand away from the towel, throwing her off balance and she dropped the towel.

“And what is that!?” I screamed again, but this time I was pointing at… whatever it was and she threw it at me, causing a disgusted grunting sound to come out of me as I caught it out of pure reflex.

Then I looked down at it.

A douche… it was definitely a douche.

And please don’t tell me she’d just used that thing.

“Jesus Christ would you get OUT!”

Dropping the female part… insert… thing, I think I must have gone to pick the towel up for her just as she did, then.  It’s really the only explanation for our heads colliding the way they did.

“Ffffffuck!” I reached for my noggin to hold onto it, only we were… really close and I may… or may not have grabbed her tit.  I think.  It could have been a weapon of some sort only it was softer… and… gummy.

I swear to god I didn’t do it on purpose.

“Oh… Jesus…”  I remember thinking, wow… it felt… really nice, though, oddly enough.  But then my out of body experience with Bella Swan’s anatomy was over.

“Get OUT! Oh my god!” She fumbled, pushing my arm away from her and finally got the towel, but it was all for naught.  I was undoubtedly scarred for life and even bleach couldn’t have wiped away the memory.

“I’m sorry! I thought you were just in here… you know…” I don’t really know what I thought, to tell you the truth, I was just trying to use the fucking bathroom.

She was scowling… I think… I couldn’t tell with all the… stuff on her face and she was… hissing maybe…

“Edward… If you’re not out of this bathroom, in three seconds… I’m going to gauge your eyes out with this shaver…”  she held it up for me to see it. 

It was… pink.  Hot pink… which I remember thinking, that’s odd, I kinda thought she’d have a black one… with skulls and knives and shit on it… “Then…” she told me, breaking my thoughts on the types of shavers Bella Swan might have used, “I’m going to cut your balls off and feed them to the closest wild animal… sautéed!” She shoved it at me aggressively and I backed away slowly, into the hallway.

She slammed the door on me and I let out a breath of relief that the whole thing was over, honestly.

I leaned against the wall opposite the door, just staring at it for a minute or two, trying to regulate my heart beat again.

Is that what all women looked like behind closed bathroom doors?  I wondered.  Because if so… I’m out.

I tried to remember which way the other bathroom was on the second floor and then headed that way, quickly, dragging a hand through my hair out of sheer frustration, a little bit of guilt, but mostly… fear.

Plus I still had to piss.

I didn’t see Bella Swan for a while after that incident. Not live anyway.  However, part of my brain kept replaying what had happened behind my eyes and I could see it all very vividly as I attempted to do some searching on my laptop for one Jasper Whitlock.

I smiled, I’m able to admit that.  Because without all that mud type goo all over her, it was pretty clear that she had some really nice tits. And other things.  And, not to mention, I was pretty certain she shaved… everywhere… 

I chuckled a little to myself, trying to re-live her reaction to the whole thing and it was only a few seconds after that I realized my dick was hard.  Which was weird.  I mean, not that my dick was hard… I have a very normal dick… it gets hard a lot… especially lately… but that’s beside the point… all I’m trying to say is that it’s just weird that it was hard at that particular moment in time, that’s all.

I breathed out and shook the sexually charged thoughts from my mind… then typed into Google Jasper Whitlock, Austin Texas..

Typical information came back.  I could pay money to get a background check done. Don’t need that when we apparently have a real live hacker on the premises.  It told me what companies he owned. Yada yada yada… There were some articles about him that caught my eye.

I was about to click on one in particular when something screwy happed with the internet… and my laptop.

“The fuck.”

I typed a few keys and nothing.  Rebooted… still, nothing.  It was on complete lock down, it appeared.

“Dammit.”

“Something wrong?” a voice came from the doorway and I shot my head up to see a very normal, for her anyway, looking Bella Swan.  Thank god.

And by the way… homina homina homina… without all the goo and shit, that is.  Not that I was paying attention.

“What are you…”

“Sorry,” she said, “You just sounded a little… frustrated.” 

Her voice was raspy and she’d hesitated with that last word on purpose and now I’m scowling, unable to understand what in the hell is happening because she’s standing in my doorway, wet hair, no make-up, clean shaven.  All the way up to her bikini line.  I can tell this because she’s wearing a robe that barely fucking covers said bikini line.

Ohhh… she was good.

There’s no bra, either.  I can tell this also because of the robe… it wasn’t tied, you see.   I mean not really.  She kinda lackadaisically tied that shit, but again, she wasn’t fooling me. I know she could have done better.

Poker face… where’s your poker face, Cullen.

“Could you….” I pointed at her, hoping she’d understand my silent plea for her to cover up, but she just smiled as she entered the room.  Walking up to the bed all… sexy like and what not.  Which shoulda been my first warning. 

“Oh, you only like to take a peek when it’s on your terms, is that it?” she asked me as a single, perfectly manicured eyebrow raised its not so ugly head at me and I was suddenly, really fucking glad the laptop was covering my dick.

That could have been an extremely awkward moment.

Poker face.

I was feeling dry mouthed all of a sudden.  “I didn’t exactly mean to…”

“What?  Barge in on me while I was trying to get myself together?” she asked innocently, as she let a lone finger drag its way along the bedspread. 

I continued to strive for a distraction from the parts of her that were barely covered by that damn robe.

Pah-pah-pah poker face pah-pah poker face….

“Cop a feel during a very traumatic moment for me?” she added innocently, leaning herself over the bed.

Traumatic for HER?

She finished leaning in… hovering over me really… and she was looking me straight in the eyes as her lips parted only slightly, and I somehow was unable to stop myself from watching those lips as they neared.

I was frozen, fighting the urge to rip that goddamn robe off of her the rest of the way versus acting like the cool calm and collected con man I’d always been.

Poh…ker…face.

I was also internally battling with my eyeballs.

Don’t look at the tits… do not look at the tits…

Shit, you looked at the tits.

When I pulled my eyes away from the fucking tits to try and play it all off like I wasn’t really looking at her tits, Bella was smirking at me.  “They’re real you know.”

No fucking shit.  “Really,” I frowned. “I hadn’t noticed.”

She peeked down at my dick.   “What seems to be the problem?” she asked and I snorted.

“Problem? I don’t have a problem why would you think I have a problem with my…”

“Did it freeze up on you?”

“Did it freeze up on…?”  Wait.  Was she still talking about my dick?

Then it hit me.  She wasn’t talking about my dick in the first place.

Oy.

Bella leaned in a little more and reached her flawlessly painted, soft looking fingers for my keys.  I grabbed her hands and stopped her, ignoring the strong urge to pull her down on top of me, grab her ass and play rub the one eyed snake out till he spits like Clint Eastwood in Pale Rider.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked her instead, and she nearly laughed. 

“I’m trying to help you unfreeze your laptop.”

“I don’t need your help,” I told her, throwing her hands away from my precious.

“Seems to me you do,” she sneered.

“Well,” I laughed. “You’re wrong.”  I typed a few more keys to see if they would work, but nothin’.

“Edward?”

“Yes?” Don’t look her in the eyes. Don’t… look her in the eyes.

I looked her in the eyes.

“Stop being a stubborn ass.”

Suddenly she didn’t look or even sound exactly snide… but she didn’t seem exactly sweet either… she just appeared… stern.   And I wanted to do what she was instructing me to do. 

I think it was mind control.

I pushed the laptop off of my lap then, glad I was finally able to talk the hard on down to just a chubby and said, “Fine, but you break my equipment and I’m gonna have issues.”

She grinned over at me.  “Edward, if I wanted to break your equipment I would have done it by now,” she teased and I had to do some serious concentrating to keep that chubby a chubby and not an embarrassment of the third kind.

No sense in giving her the satisfaction, right?

She hit a key or two, telling me, “And you already have issues.” Then she slid the laptop back over to me.

I looked at the screen.   “What are you, like, the Mary fucking Poppins of the con-man’s world?”

“Not exactly a thank you, but I’ll take it,” she said, standing upright, pulling the two sizes too small robe a little tighter around her.

“I wasn’t thanking you, okay, I was just…”

“You’re welcome, Edward,” she said as she strolled away, shimmying her ass in that way she liked to shimmy to fuck with my dick.

I could just see the roundness of her ass peeking out from under that damn robe.

I waited until she was out of the room, then I shoved the laptop to the side, stepped over to the door and leaned only my head into the hallway to watch her continue on her way back to her place.

Her room, I mean.

Once she rounded the corner and I couldn’t see her anymore, I felt a little bad.  Because she actually did deserve an actual bit of gratitude for saving me about a half hour of fucking with the laptop.  So I followed the hallway down to the master suite.  She’d closed the door, but not all the way, so I stepped up to it.  I hesitantly opened it a little, hoping not to have another encounter like the bathroom incident, but, hearing voices, I stopped before I opened it all the way.

One actually, just Bella’s.

She was on the phone and, before I could walk away, I heard her saying, “Hey dad.”

I should have walked away and gave her some privacy. It’s what any normal, law abiding citizen would have done, too. I know this, but I didn’t live in a normal law abiding world now, did I?

So I stood quietly, listening some more, figuring what could it hurt to learn a little bit about my fake wife whom may or may not want to break my equipment?  Because knowledge was power and power played an important part in Marcus’s organization.

I needed all I could get if I was planning on making this my last job.

“I’m fine, dad, don’t worry… I’m in suburbia…” she was saying with that charming sarcasm we all knew and loved.  “…the more important question is, how’re you?  Are they still harassing you?”

I scowled.

They?

“No… he said I have to take this one with some… big shot… “

Was she talking about me?  Was I the big shot?

“He’s harmless… trust me.”

HA! Harmless she says.

“I can’t tell you the targets name Dad, you know that…”

Okay, so he knows what his daughter does for a living, obviously.  What does he do?

She sighed and I took a chance at peeking through the crack of the door, but could only see the back of her, sitting on the edge of her bed, facing the window.   She was slumped forward and I could just tell that one of her elbows was leaning on her knee.   The other hand must have been holding the phone.

After a moment, she continued and I noted a twinge of sadness in her tone this time.

 “I don’t know, dad… I supposed I can try after this job is over…. I miss you too… I know… I know… it’s been a long time…. yeah… no I will.  I promise.  I love you too.”

She ended the call and I jerked myself back so that I was hidden behind the door again.  It was silent.  I mean like you could have heard a pin drop on the plush carpet that covered her flooring.  It was that quiet.

I took a step, thinking I’d go in there, maybe make sure she was okay, but then I stopped when I remembered...  It was every man for himself in this world.  You don’t feel sorry for people, you don’t empathize, much less sympathize with anyone, and you certainly don’t let your guard down to people you just met.

Regardless of whether or not they were deemed your “partner”.

Those are the people you trust the least.

Trust me.

So I headed back down the hallway to my room and unpacked, placing a few personal items of my own into a safe place… well, as safe as you could get anyway.  I took only a moment to feel even an inkling of dejection for how close I’d come to owning the brand new Beneteau forty foot sailboat I’d picked out before getting sucked back into Marcus’s world.

I locked the picture away and assured myself it would still happen.  That I’d make it happen and I’d still see my plans come to fruition.

Even if it killed me.

And I know… stupid irony.

After I was done giving myself a moment… I finished Googling Jasper Whitlock, just like I’d planned on doing, and then I thought maybe I’d do a little more digging on Bella Swan, too.  Not that I thought I’d have much luck considering who we worked for, but you never knew.

Maybe I could wrangle her dad’s name out of her somehow… you know, casual conversation sometime?

One thing I knew for sure, at least, was that there was more to her than I’d originally thought and even more disturbing was that it probably wasn’t very pretty.  The only other question before I began my investigation would be… did I really wanna know more?

Before I could even begin to let myself debate that question, I found myself answering it without a shadow of a doubt.

I did.

I definitely wanted to know more about Bella Swan.