Chapter 13 – The Stories

A short while later

Edward’s Bed in the Masen’s fake home

Edward Cullen POV

Back when I was delusional enough to think Marcus cared about me, I used to share things with him.

Hopes, dreams.  Love.  What I thought was love at the time, anyway.

Stupid shit that, over the years, disappeared into a cloud of dust that only vaguely told truths I no longer believed in.

Saying some of them out loud, to Bella, brought them back into the light.

Reminded me they were there.  That they were real.      

See, when I was barely twenty, roughly seven years after originally meeting Marcus Volturi and company, I’d been out in the field, on a job that took me out of my regular territory.  Something unexpected happened and I hadn’t had time to go over my plan with Marcus before I’d taken off for a couple of days.

He’d been used to me pulling that sort of stunt by then.  Some of the people I worked with considered me a threat to the overall security of the organization Marcus was building at the time, but he knew I knew my shit by then and that I’d come home with a score.

While I was following up on a lead, I got hungry.  It happens.  So I stopped for some food intake and just happened to be sitting in a small booth toward the back of some dive sandwich shop restaurant type place, minding my own business, when I got wind of a woman’s name who was waiting on a table nearby.

“Elizabeth Masen, I haven’t seen you in forever, girl,” the man had said with a wink and a smile as she approached his table to take his order.

It made my heart stop for a few seconds.  My hands became damp sponges and my throat became the opposite.

I’d recognized my mom’s name immediately from reading it in my file back at the two-bit run down boys home I grew up in.  I’d broken in to them when I was younger.  I was curious.
And in that moment, when I saw her, my gut exploded and I would have been willing to bet my life that…
A small voice in the back my head was telling me about the chance that the most basic of odds were against me that the Elizabeth Masen I was thinking of was this Elizabeth Masen.

I always was a betting man though, so I watched her for the remainder of my day, the lead I was there for forgotten.  I ordered coffee every so often and a few slices of desert type dishes so I wouldn’t seem too much like a bum, sitting there in that booth. 

I watched her smile at strangers, watched her never complain. 

Watched while she put up with inappropriate jokes told by the half assed cook behind the counter.

Watched as she rubbed at the small of her back from pain caused by standing on her feet all day, no doubt. 

Then finally, watched her clock out and say goodbye to the people she worked with.

I followed her to her apartment that had been close to the restaurant, jotted down her license plate number, looked her up in the metro area records through contacts I had ‘til I was convinced she was indeed my mother. 

Amazing the information you can find out once you’ve started on a hot trail.

School records, hospital logs, news articles.

Like that she’d gotten pregnant at an early age, that she’d had a son out of wedlock and had given him up when he was an infant.

That she’d named that baby Edward Anthony Cullen, giving him the last name of a father who was no longer in the picture for whatever reason and then she simply had just… moved on. Never once looking back or checking up on him while he was raised by cruel dicks with a passion for pain who dressed up in priestly outfits and claimed to be men of God.

I call bullshit.

I was angry.  Sort of.  At first, anyway, but the more I let it all sink in the more I wanted to know about her.   What she was like?  Was I like her or my dad more?  Did she like apple butter on toast in the morning too or was that just some weird shit I’d picked up at the home?

It was hard to just leave, but I knew I had to get back to Marcus so I took off, figuring I needed time to come up with a way to introduce myself, anyway, as opposed to just walking up to her and being all, “Hi there, I’m your long lost son?  Wanna have some coffee?”

I almost chuckled at the memory of my thought process back then until I remembered the rest of the story.

See the flaw in my perfectly executed plan happened when I’d run to Marcus and told him all about her.

About how I was thinking of the possibilities of reuniting with her, maybe building a life outside of cons, letting the excitement of my find flow out of me like a falling star of some sort.

Of course, none of it would ever happen.  Not on Marcus’ watch.  I was too valuable to him by then.

His words, not mine.

Oh, he let me believe in the dream for a few days while I went on and on about heading back up to Northern Virginia and even let me pack my shit up in anticipation of leaving the business for good.

It wasn’t until I drove out there again, working up the nerve to approach her at work, noticing she hadn’t shown up yet and inquired about her schedule that someone told me her apartment had caught on fire the night before and that she was killed. 

A tragic accident for one of Virginia’s faceless, unappreciated blue collar workers.

The events sank in.

I mourned the woman I’d never even met.

And then I let it go.

I moved on with my purpose under Marcus’s wing after that, embracing the life I lead, thinking it was just as well. Marcus cared about me, he was like a father to me after all, and I didn’t need a mother.  And things were fine for a while.  So I thought.

Until just over a year ago when by another happenstance, I found out that Marcus had had someone set that fire.

He was reminiscing about the ordeal with the person who’d done his dirty work for him.

Alec Bontardi.

That’s when I’d made a plan.

Kill Marcus, then Alec, but that idea quickly disintegrated when I thought about the consequences of those actions.  Too many people still held high respect for the guy and killing him would have meant that my own untimely demise would surely be met soon thereafter.

I liked being alive.  Still do, so that plan was a no-go.

Alec was fairly untouchable as well, being so tight with Marcus and all, so I came up with another plan.

I decided I wouldn’t let Marcus know I knew anything because that would have gotten ugly and I mighta ended up dead.  But I did go to him with a heavy heart, told him in confidence about how I was burnt out, ready to move on. I honestly had thought we’d come to a mutual understanding about the whole of the situation after late night talks and early morning arguments over all of it.

I would never speak of his dealings and he wouldn’t have Felix break my neck.

I could live with that.

Literally.

It was simple and Marcus had even handed me a bonus check for all the hard work I’d put in for him over the years.

Which brings us up to date.   You’ve probably guessed that retirement didn’t go so well, huh?

It was really just one of many courses of action Marcus had taken to persuade me the way he wanted me to go.  Lasted a while, I had a good run, I suppose.

I guess in reality, I could have turned him down when he sent Felix to retrieve me.  Lived a life of constantly running away from my past, but honestly, part of me wanted to come back.  If for nothing else, to find a way to get Marcus off my back for good.  Maybe even land him in jail.  That’d be just a bonus though.

Plus – one very tiny, miniscule tid bit of information was that… my money was still missing. 

Another surprise Marcus had taken care of when he’d sent Felix for me. 

Another convincing attribute to his “offer” that is.  Another manipulation.

I needed to find out what account he was hoarding it in and steal it back before taking off on my own again.

Not that I’d had much time to spend on tracking that down.

Bella let me finish the story nearly uninterrupted and when I was done, for now anyway, she had no words.

I also didn’t ask her about her story.

It was hers after all and she’d either give it to me or she wouldn’t.  Just the fact that she’d let me in on her shortened conversation with her father spoke volumes.  I wasn’t about to push it.

I’d try not to push it.

 I had to admit, her silence drove me pretty mad, and I don’t know what I’d expected her to say about all of it, but she had an understanding of sorts lingering behind those eyes of hers.  Like she knew the drill.  Maybe had even been there before.  Not exactly, perhaps, but you know… birds of a feather and all that.

We’d been up all night.  Just sitting there on my bed – after she’d called her dad, before the tears had subsided.  We were cross legged and tired and not five inches from touching each other, but it wasn’t about that.

I felt like I was sixteen again, excitement bubbling deep inside me, sharing secrets on a cot in the back of an old abandoned warehouse with a girl I’d just met and a chip on my shoulder that Marcus tried reverently every day to knock off.

Dangerous territory.

“I’m so sorry,” Bella murmured.

I swallowed, then blinked, shrugging a single shoulder.  “It’s over, not much you can do about it.  Why be sorry?”

She wasn’t looking at me.  “I don’t know, I just am, I guess.  You know, that it happened to you.”

“Did it happen to you?”

There goes my strategy to NOT ask her about her story.

I knew I was reaching, but the question presented itself and I was asking it before I knew I was.  She twisted her mouth some and peeked up at me finally as she started to say something when the doorbell rang.

“Hold that thought.”

I jumped out of the bed and stretched my neck as I ran down the stairs to try and see who was at the door before opening it this time.

I saw boots as they paced around outside the front window, that’s about it.

Smallish boots. 

Seth?

“Jesus.”  It was early.  I checked.  What the fuck was he even doing there?

I pulled the door open and scowled at his ass. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Hey Edward.”

“It’s six thirty, Seth.”

“I know,” he said in that teenaged type perky way he always did.  “I wanted to see if you and Bella wanted your grass cut.  I think I can probably treat it too.”  I looked at him blankly.  “You know, for your cinch bug problem.”

What, did he take hyper pills at the crack of dawn or something?

I thought about the search I still needed to conduct on his license as I stood there scowling at him with a hand on the door, itching to slam it in his face.  “Ya know what?” I smiled. “Sure.”

He seemed to beam, that little shit, as he ran back down to his mower and tools and shit and I let him have it… his moment of glory.  Figured if he woke someone up, it wasn’t my ass they were gonna kick.

Bella hadn’t held on to her thought like I’d asked her to. Big surprise there.  Instead, she’d locked herself in my bathroom and took a shower.  Which had given me another idea, so I ran off to complete an ass early weekend errand and when I got back, she was gone.

“Going to get something that might help,” said the note.

“Like a body bag?” asked the man to the piece of paper. 

I set it down and went to work to keep myself busy and to think over the Whitlock situation.  Getting him to let me in on his big money making child pornography ring was key.

I laughed just thinking about it.  There’s just no way, I thought, but then… He did ask you to look into his eyes yesterday… maybe he’s…

I laughed again.  It was all I could do to keep myself from just taking my damn gun over there to his place and forcefully getting the answers from him that way. 

“Shit,” I spat when I banged the motherfuck out of my finger and I went downstairs to see if there were any work type things like… I dunno… gloves maybe, in the garage.

I opened the automatic door for some fresh air and started rummaging. 

Not that there was much to rummage through.  The garage was pretty bare except for the cars we kept there and a few things Marcus had delivered along with everything else to give the illusion that we did things, like a couple of bikes and some ski gear that sat propped up against the wall in the corner.

They were untouched and collecting dust.

Then I looked out at the neighborhood and saw all the kids running the street, down a ways, with their soccer mom types watching closely, making sure no one would come snatch their babies away from them. 

Good luck.

I also watched Seth, mowing our grass and he smiled and nodded with the enthusiasm of a twenty year old that hadn’t lived his entire life under the wing of a madman.

He reminded me of me once upon a time.  How could I hate this kid?

Because he reminds you of you, dipshit… once upon a time.

“Yo Masen.”

Jesus.

“Emmett, what are you…?”

“Dude, I thought I’d swing by and see if you Bella wanted to go do some sake with me and Rose.”

What?  Was everyone in suburbia up at o’ dark thirty?  For the love of fucking god.

“For what, breakfast?”

He chuckled and slapped me on the shoulder.  “No dude, dinner, later.”

“And you needed to know this now?”

“I saw your garage open.”

Of course he did.  This neighbor sees all.

I stared at him.  “Bella’s not home.”  And suddenly I feel like I’m telling some random kid that no, my daughter isn’t home to play with him only Bella’s not my child.  Thank fuck.

“Oh.”

I rummaged some more. “You know anything about leveling shit?”

He laughed.  “You don’t know the half of it, Ed.”

He ran back over to his place for a few tools and came back all John Bunyan style and shit, with his tool belt on around his waist and his electric drill hung over his shoulder as he mock saluted Seth on his way back to my fake garage. I took him inside to show him where my problem lay.

Where my problem lie.

Where my problem was.  For the love of God.

After about an hour of back breaking bullshit, it was finally done.  “Thanks man,” I told him.  For what I do not know because I’ll be dammed if the guy actually did anything.  Apparently Emmett’s one of those, here, I’ll teach you by making you do shit you have no idea how to do, types.

“No problem.”

He started packing his shit up.  “Ya know, most people like it without the door.”

I grinned at it, setting the key that had come with it down onto Bella’s side end table next to her… master California king sized bed. “Yeah, I know.”

“You’re a weird dude.”

“I’m starting to think you might be right,” I laughed and then he was gone… my laptop was track free… and I had some time to kill before Bella got home so… I did some digging on our little friend, Seth.

Last name, Clearwater.

Age, twenty-one in three and a half months.

Born in LaPush Washingt… Okay… La Push? 

Serioulsy?

I shook my head.  Not eeeeeeeven going there.

I found a few more tid bits.  Spent what felt like hours contacting old high schools, putting the proper words together to find just the right info on search engines…

I must have been more engrossed than I thought because I hadn’t even heard Bella come home until I heard her screaming.

“Edward!”

She sounded shocked, excited… maybe someone was in the house. I wasn’t sure exactly until I found her inside her bedroom, standing in front of the master bathroom she had.  Her arms were crossed as she looked over at me.  She seemed confused… or… no, yeah, definitely confused.

“You made me a door?”

I smiled crookedly, it felt like.  As though I couldn’t quite get it right as I walked over toward her. “Ya like it?”

“Edward…”

My hands flew out in front of me to stop her. “Listen, it was as much for me as it was for you, even if my bathroom does smell a hell of a lot better after you’ve used it.”

She chewed on her lip a little, checking it out, then she eyed me, holding a hand out. “Key.”

I let out a laugh. She already knew me too well. 

I picked the key up off of her end table and placed it in her hand and teased her, leaning in just a tad, whispering with a wink, “Don’t worry, I made copies.”

“Ass.”

She was looking at the door again.  You’d have thought I gave her diamonds.  Funny how something so inanimate could make such an impact on someone’s day.

Like they can’t ever hurt you back and therefore, they make you happy by default.

“So what was it?”

I’d broken her out of her happy.  Which was kind of a bummer.  Bella’s happies were… smile worthy.  “What?” 

“The thing… you said might help both of us?”

“Oh!”  She pulled out a small device and held it out to me.  I cocked an eyebrow at it.  “What’s that?”

She pulled another one out, holding it up to the original.  They were twins.  “It’s a scrambler,” she told me, offering me one. 

“And it…”

“Scrambles,” she said, as though I’d know what the fuck that meant.  Then she explained.  “Marcus’s track on you… through your cell.”

“And you got this how?”

“They’re kinda rare… I know a guy.”

“A guy.”

“He’s not local.”

“Uh huh.”

I took the thing and looked at it.  “It’s awful small.”

“You can wear it right on you… so if you don’t want Marcus to know what you’re doing… he won’t.”

She smiled and I felt like I was only skimming the surface of what made up the whole of Bella Swan.

“He didn’t know what he was getting himself into when he recruited you.”

She laughed and I left her to her new privacy.

That week things moved smoothly for Bella and me throughout the workings of the job we were sent to bring home to Marcus.  We were like a well oiled machine with a newly discovered appreciation for each other.  Choosing to defy Marcus in our own way… by working together.

I was getting closer to Whitlock’s secrets every day, I could feel it.  The downside to that was that I was starting to see more than just a mark in the guy. 

He was a good dude.   Hell and what was worse… I liked the guy.

Good dudes didn’t equal good marks and I needed to find a way to distance myself from him, otherwise it wasn’t gonna end well.  For either of us.

On the other hand Bella, well… she was doing her Bella Swan thing to get info on his bank accounts and investments– slowly but surely.

Turns out Whitlock might have high tech security and computer skills, but Bella was working around all of that. 

The woman was wicked fucking talented.

We fed Marcus what he wanted and he left us alone for the most part.

I was taking what I could get.

I was also using my new toy Bella had given me to go out on scouting missions of my own a few nights.  Hoping to find a way to leave Marcus without scarring myself for life, but in all honesty, he just knew too many people who thought rather highly of him still.

People who didn’t know how he was manipulating every move of their lives yet.

I wasn’t giving up, though. There had to be someone who wasn’t on board with his lies and cheats and then it hit me.

The key to my getting out of this life might be the very mark I was supposed to take down.

But at the end of that thought process, I was figuring I was in too deep to bail out on Marcus at that point.

Wasn’t I?

Anyway, aside from the positivity that had sparked between my partner and me, on top of making our neighbors believe we loved each other and convincing Marcus we still hated each other, it was a little difficult deciphering between what exactly was truth and what was part of the con anymore.

Until we were alone, that is.  Just us.  Without the shadows and the texts and the tails and the leads. 

It was simple inside that house.

Simple and frightening.  And extremely sexually frustrating.

Because despite the fact that we’d been playing nice and trying to find our way through this job together, I still had a few things I had to work through with regards to how I supposedly felt about Ms. Swan.

“Do you love Bella, Edward?”   Whitlock’s voice would creep up into my head every so often when she’d laugh at something I’d said that wasn’t supposed to be funny… or when she’d slip a hand around my waist when neighbors would stop to talk to us after an errand… and especially at night, after we had gone over our notes and laid out a plan for the next day… and she’d look at me… like she wanted to say something but then… nothing.

Just a slight smile and a small twist and then, “Goodnight Edward.”

Not to mention the twitches.

There was nothing more frustrating than an unsolicited dick twitch.

One afternoon she came home with bags and bags of groceries.  Said she wanted to make some dinner… said we needed time to debrief, decompress and just… be.

And much like metal flew toward a magnet of great size and magnitude, words flew out of my mouth toward Bella that I had been wondering about but was never really sure I was comfortable asking her.

“Your turn.”

Well… sort of.

But she knew what I meant, even though she played it off anyway.

“My turn what, Edward?”

I threw a wet, cooked noodle at her.

“Eww!” She pulled it off of the side of her face and tossed it back at me, to which I picked it up and ate it.  

She showed me her disgust and I reminded her, “Your turn, Bella.”

And let me just tell ya… when she actually opened up, she let out a flood of thoughts.  I came to the conclusion that after spending as many years as we had under Marcus’s thumb, with no one to confide in except for a piece of shit father on her end and a couple of orphaned mutts on mine… it was no wonder.

She told me about how her mom was dead.  She didn’t know when it had happened, just that it had happened.  Her dad apparently didn’t like to talk about it.  There were no pictures of her anywhere and she stopped bringing it up around the age of ten, but that with the information I’d told her about my own mother, she was wondering if maybe Marcus had had a hand in her death.

She told me her dad’s name was Charlie Swan.  That he was once a good cop and that Marcus had always been around apparently, ever since she was tiny.   An “associate” that she’d assumed had something to do with law enforcement until later in life.  He’d been like an extended family member… a self appointed uncle whom her father trusted with his life and therefore, so did she.

She spent her high school years at prep school, got into a few bouts of trouble but nothing too severe…. then she’d attended college at Berkley and had just been beginning to fumble through life when her dad got sick for the first time.

“Why didn’t he just retire after that?  Nothing Marcus can do about a career coming to an end, right?”

She gave me the stink eye.  “They go way back, Edward…” she said and it was almost flippant as she stared down at the basil as she chopped it.  It was like we were just another couple of married people, getting ready to sit down for dinner, talking about our regular old days at the office.

Only we weren’t exactly regular, now were we?

I didn’t reply.  I just watched her work; she seemed to like it that way.  Maybe it made her feel like she wasn’t actually sharing deep dark secrets with anyone but the vegetables.

She looked like she was reliving something in her mind then, and the vegetable cutting became a little more intense.

“And anyway,” she added. “Marcus doesn’t just let you walk away. You would know that better than anyone.”

She was right.  But still, if they were such good friends… “So he’d rather watch your dad die a slow death so he can get what he wants than let him live the rest of his life out with a little bit of fucking peace?”

“I learned a lot from him.”  She’s still defending him?

“Like computer hacking one oh one?” I joked and she threw a tomato at me. 

I caught it in my mouth and she just rolled her eyes.

“I didn’t set out to hack people’s lives, Edward.”

“Story of my life, Bonnie.”

She eyed me. “Are you insinuating you’re Clyde now?”

I shrugged smugly.  “Could be.  What do ya think?”

Back to her vegetables.  “I think you’re not nearly as bad ass as you’d need to be for that role, Edward.”

“I could be bad.”

She eyed me again, licked her lips and grabbed the bottom one in between her teeth for a minute before remembering what she was doing.

“Sorry.”

“Anyway, one thing led to another, bada bing, bada bang…”

“Hold the phone.”

 “What?”

“You can’t bada bing bada bang that.”

“Why not?”

“You just… can’t.”

She laughed, setting the sharpened knife down in front of her. “What is it you want to know exactly, Edward?”

Why do you have issues with men?

“I dunno…” l searched for something.  Something that wouldn’t make me sound like a complete ass. “How do you go from… simple hacking of your high school grades to…”  My hands whirled around in front of me and my eyes grew larger than life, not knowing exactly how to verbalize what it was that we did.

She smiled and nodded.  She got it.  I didn’t know if she was gonna share, but she got it.

“Well,” she finally said quietly.  “When your father owes a whole lot of money to the guy he thought was his only hope at one point in his life, and you’ve got skills that guy is interested in…”

“He traded you?” I was not liking her dad so much all of a sudden.

“No,” she snapped, shooting me a look that even I wasn’t about to question.  Then back to her food. “He was getting old. I told you… he was sick.  He’s still sick.”

He didn’t trade her.  She traded herself.

“That’s quite the deal you made with the devil, Bella.”

“Charlie kept me out of this life almost all my life, now it’s my turn to keep him out of it.”

I got up out of my seat, feeling the urgent need to move all of a sudden.  “So, Marcus, being the sensitive guy that he is, took you in, let your dad off the hook and honed your skills.”

“In a nutshell.”

“And he’s been using your dad against you ever since.”

“Yeah, well, I hadn’t seen that one coming exactly.”

“Too little too late.”

“Something like that.”

I swallowed.  “Mind if I ask you a question?”

Dangerous.

Fucking.

Territory.

She wasn’t looking at me again.  I was kinda glad.  “Depends on the question.”

I didn’t hesitate. There was no sense in it.  It would only give her the impression I was afraid she wouldn’t answer me. 

“What happened last weekend?”

Her hands stopped and she stared off at nothing.  “A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do sometimes, Edward… to get the mark.  Or the dirt, in some cases.”

I didn’t like where it was leading.   I knew where it would lead and yet I asked anyway.  I didn’t need to know the ins and outs of Bella’s sex life.  Why had I even gone there?

What a fucking idiot.

But something.  I don’t know.  I just needed to know.

I let her continue.  Despite my sudden urge to throw up.

“Some of the men I’ve dealt with have been very dangerous men, I’m sure you know what I mean.”  She stole a glance over at me, then went back to the garlic and shrugged a little.  “If I become another someone… I don’t have to think so much about what I was doing in order to make Marcus happy.”

The sink her smile.  The distant cloudy fog rolling in through her eyes.  I didn’t own this look.  I was refusing to own this look.

I didn’t like it on Bella.

Shame.

She’d obviously done things over the years that she wasn’t proud of.  None of us had. But women in Marcus’s realm… they had it worse than the likes of me on any level, I always thought.

She read the reaction on my face instantly.

“He didn’t… he never made me do anything, Edward.”

“I know how Marcus works, Bella.”

“He didn’t force me.”

“Yeah, well, there’s a fine line between asking and telling, if you want my opinion.”

“I don’t.”

Of course she didn’t.

I changed the subject.  Sharing wasn’t turning out like I’d hoped it would.  Not that I knew what the fuck to expect or anything… but I decided I just couldn’t take any more for the time being and who knew if crazy Bella was gonna come out to play eventually with the line of questions I was throwing at her.

“So this is some sort of specialty or something?” I nodded at the dish and she let out a chuckle for me.  “It’s spaghetti, Edward.  It’s nobody’s specialty.”

I picked up another wet noodle.  This time I held it up high.  “You forget I’ve tasted your… spaghtetti  before.  I would beg to differ,” I told her as I slurped it up through my lips .

It worked.  She smiled.  Blushed even.   “I was drunk when you tasted my spaghetti… you’re lucky I didn’t kick your ass for tasting my spaghetti while I was under the influence.”

“You didn’t seem to mind so much.” And yeah, I smirked.  She’d liked it and she knew she liked it.

”I might have minded had I not been sloshed.”

“Uh huh.”

“I must have been out of my mind,” she mused to the vegetables.

I remembered how she’d let me see a glimpse of herself that night.  “You were on fire.”

Eyebrow waggles pull a spark out of her.

“I was more than that.”

The timer on the oven rang and that was the end of our flirtatious banter.  The closest thing to dealing with what had transpired between us and fucking garlic bread cock blocks me.

Dinner was... productive.  Cleansing might be a better word.

Especially when Bella poured us each a second glass of the Red Zin she’d picked up while she was at the store.

I tried to read the label so I’d remember the brand. “Good zin… is that raspberry I taste?” Weird.

“Taste for good spaghetti and wine, huh Edward?” she teased, pulling the bottle back and I just chuckled. 

“Life around Marcus had a few advantages.”

She became quiet but held the smile.

“Tag,” she said before taking a sip of her wine.

“Tag?”

She nodded.  “You said you met Marcus when you were…”

“Twelve and three quarters.”  I guzzled my glass. 

I remembered the day distinctly.

“How did he… hone you?”

Memories I’d tried to bury rushed back as though they’d just occurred.

“That guy’s a dick.”

“Someone’s always a dick, Felix.”

“Not as big of a dick as that guy.”

“Nothing specific, just…”  I tried to smile.  Bella wasn’t buying it.

“Bullshit.”

I smiled, fighting the voices inside my mind.

“Hey Cullen, I dare ya to take his wallet.”  I’d looked at Felix like he was crazy, but then he pulled out the big guns.   “Unless you’re scared.”

The boy that had terrorized most in the playground, that I was being bullied into stealing from, was twice my size and almost three times as heavy. 

“I’m not scared.”

“Come on,” Bella pleaded.  “Spill.”

In the present, I laughed at her insane ability to call a spade a spade and a bullshitter a bullshitter.

In the past, I was scared shitless.

Not that I didn’t do it anyway.  You just didn’t not take a dare back then.  Of course, stealing that kid’s backpack had only been the beginning of a long string of bad decisions on my part. 

“Get off him!”  I was screaming at the top of my lungs as tears stung my eyes no matter how hard I tried not to let them.

“Fuck of,f Cullen.  Go back to your orphanage… baby.”

Back when I’d met Felix, I thought we were friends.  In our own way, that is.  And we had our own little group of kids we’d hang out with when I’d found ways to sneak out of the home and go hang out like a real boy on occasion. 

We ran the streets.  Got into trouble.  Shoplifted a few things that were of no consequence, but made us feel superior to the store owners for being none the wiser to our antics.

We had rivals like any other group of kids our age.  It should have been innocent boy type bullshit fuckery.  Should have been just your run of the mill typical growing pains that every boy goes through.  But if I’d have known then what I know now…

Who Felix worked for.

Who the boy I’d stolen from was.

I’d have taken his advice that day and run as fast as I could back to the home.

“It’s actually really boring,” I told her, clearing my throat.  “Comparatively speaking.”

“I wanna hear it anyway… tit for tat, right?”  She arched an eyebrow.

I was staring back at Bella.  I knew that, but what I was seeing was the son of one of the areas more prominent business owners continue to bash my friend’s head against the playground monkey bars despite the blood that was dripping from the side of his temple.

I didn’t know who his father was at the time… but I’d find out soon enough.

I was the one that had stolen his stupid wallet and yet it was Ben Cheney who was paying the price.   Because he’d stood in front of me when that stupid asshole had come after us, giving the little fuckhead the impression that it had been him.

Ben was loyal like that, even though he was smaller than I was and could fight worth a crap, he still did stupid ass shit like that.  Daring people to take him on.

I never understood him.

Finally the bully let him drop and I remember his body just lay there.  Limp.  Like all the air had been sucked out of his body, and the bully laughed, holding his hand out to me.  “Now give me my fucking wallet back,” he said.

He hadn’t even checked Ben’s pockets for anything.  Hadn’t given it a second thought.

He’d known I’d taken it.  And he still beat Ben senseless for the crime.

I felt angry as Felix nudged me and watched the bully walk away.  

When I looked down and saw that knife in Felix’s hand, I knew what he was urging me to do.  He wanted retribution and insisted I was the one that took it.  My eyes found Ben, lying on the ground, then the bully, who had just caught up with some of his buddies.  He was at least two blocks down the road when I put my fingers around the handle of Felix’s knife and stared at it again.

“Oh… you know how Marcus is,” I told Bella. 

“Yeah,” she said, watching me for some sort of sign.  “I guess I do.”

Ben was still lying motionless in the mulch and grass with blood dripping from his wound, and I wondered if he was even breathing when I fell into a full sprint, going after the bully. 

His friends had left him by the time I caught up and he’d turned down a dark alleyway as a short cut to get him back to the right side of the tracks.

I followed him and watched as he struggled to get his body over the fence at the end of the alley and, when he finally had to take a breather, he noticed me at the entrance.

Then he laughed.  “Oh what?  Cullen’s jealous?  You want a little blood spilled too?”

“I guess you could say I… walked right into the lions den,” I teased and Bella felt it.  Just like I’d felt it with her.  The shame. 

She stopped what she was doing and put a hand on top of mine.  “You can tell me, ya know.”

Back inside my head, with the bully… I felt the rage of my stupidity that day.  And it made me hate Marcus even more than I already did all over again.

“You’re an asshole,” I told the bully and he laughed again.  “And you’re nothing,” he spat at me.  “Even your own mother and father knew that.”

He made his way back to me, but he didn’t know I had the knife. When he made swing for me, I dodged his fist and drove the knife straight into his belly.

He staggered backwards, holding his guts in, just… staring at me with an odd look of confusion as he stumbled. 

I stared straight into his eyes that afternoon, watching him die. 

He spat and sputtered and cried like a girl as the blood flowed out of him and he choked on his own spit when he asked with shortened, labored breaths, “W… why?”

I threw the knife down next to him, wanting to cry for my friend that he very well may have killed back at the playground.  I wanted to puke at the feeling of sliding that knife into the large boy’s gut and I wanted to go curl up in my bunk, under the covers back at the boy’s home until I was old enough to leave.

I steeled myself against all of those feelings and looked him dead in the eyes.  “Like I said, you’re an asshole.”

My face showed none of the emotions that coursed through me as I finished the story for Bella back at the table inside our fake home in Austin, Texas.

“When I turned around to run as far away as possible, that’s when I saw Felix, waiting for me at the mouth of the alley. Standing next to him was Marcus.”

He’d helped cover the murder up and got rid of the knife.  He’d even gotten me out of the boy’s home I’d been living in for longer than I could even remember… so I was thankful.

Jesus Christ, I was actually thankful to the guy.

“Sounds a lot like self defense,” Bella offered weakly, but I knew better. 

“He walked away.  I could have let him go.”  But then again, I couldn’t.  Ya know?

Her nod was slight and we were quiet for most of the remainder of the meal.

After we rinsed dishes and put leftovers into Tupperware and finished off the wine, I didn’t want the night to end without Bella hearing what I wish someone had said to me at some point.  And okay, it wasn’t exactly the same sort of situation, but still… the gesture would have been nice.

“Ya know, it…” I wasn’t a hundred percent positive this was a smart thing to say.  Didn’t know if it would trigger anger or what but… I had to say it.  “It doesn’t have to be like that.”

She tilted her head and her eyebrows twitched a little.

Speaking of twitches… Inappopriate, douchenozzle.

“I mean, not that it would be like that with me…” I shook my head. “Not that…” I laughed. “I mean it doesn’t matter if it’s me or some other guy in your life, Bella.  It doesn’t have to be that way.”

She arched an eyebrow.

“I’m just sayin’… you don’t have to take orders from Marcus about who you share shit like that with.”

Then she smiled.

“I know.”

“Kay,” I answered awkwardly.  “Good then.”

“Goodnight Edward.”

…..

Later in bed, I lay on my back with my hands clasped tightly behind my head.  My eyes were facing the ceiling, but I couldn’t see anything.  I knew I was staring up at nothing but I was okay with that.  I needed a little bit of “nothing” for awhile.

Eventually I heard the door to the bedroom brush against the carpet, but I didn’t say a word.

Then the curtains moved, letting in some light from the outside world and I could see her form there.  Bella.  Standing over me with the glow from the moon highlighting all the right places, making her seem like a complete contradiction to herself.

Almost angelic.

I couldn’t quite tell if we were staring into each other’s eyes or not, but I believed we were.  Then she leaned down and moved the covers.

And it really was like deja vu, I thought, as her hand caressed me in certain areas, but something was off. 

Not a bad off, like before, in the hallway, just… I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  I mean yeah, this encounter had it similarities to the last late night/ early morning bedroom visit, but there was definitely something distinctive about it too.

I released my hands from each other and stopped her gently.  “Are you gonna tell me I’m dreaming again?”

She was quiet.  But only momentarily. “I want another chance,” she whispered.  “I want you to be different.”

 “I am different,” I promised her and then she stood upright again, untied her robe and let it drop to the floor.

The light that filtered in hit her curves in all the right places.  Her nipples called to me and my dick… it answered.

She moved swiftly, swinging a leg over my midsection so that she was sitting on top of me and that sense of control was still there with her.  Still fighting to let the crazy unravel but I could tell she was winning this one.

Trying to, at least.

My boxers were gone and I didn’t know if she’d removed them or if I had, but I didn’t give a shit as she wriggled against the hard on that had grown between my legs, anxious as I was maybe.

Blankets, sheets… outta there.  Too restraining.

I knew it could go either way, this… thing that was about to happen.  It would either be really fucking excellent… or really fucking ugly again.

So when she lifted herself to let me in this time, I made a suggestion, not wanting her to get lost in herself again.

My hands rested on her hips.  “Wait.”

She stopped, unsure maybe.  Maybe she thought I was having second thoughts because she started to move away from me, but I held her there, moving my hands up the softness of her skin, to the sides of her face and I moved some stray hairs back behind her ear. 

“Look at me.”

“Edward, I…”  she took in an unexpected gasp of air as one group of fingers moved downward, tracing a line along her breasts… to where her heart should have been.  Then I slipped my hand around her waist and pulled her in.

“Look at me.”

She almost felt like she wanted to fight it at first, but like Whitlock said...  It’s all in the eyes.

I tried to tell her it was okay without making a big goddamn stink about it and she seemed to listen, dipping her lips down slowly toward mine.

Looking at me.

Her hair fell from around her shoulder, tickling the shit out of my chest, and I pushed it out of the way again, pulling her the rest of the way to me with a hand behind her neck and another resting just shy of heat that was radiating out of her like standing too close to a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

I kissed her.

It was probably inappropriate and I’d probably regret it, but I let it happen anyway.

Tender, soft, meaningful.  Even if she wasn’t getting the meaning, it didn’t matter because I realized, I did. I got it and I didn’t give a shit if tomorrow brought on a whole new meaning up fucked up for payment of what we were doing.

Hands moved.  Legs entwined.  Lips spoke silently.

It was everything I never knew was out there.

She relaxed.  Into me.  Because of me even… maybe, but definitely into me.

She was urgent but not controlling.  Needy but not crazy like before.  And the way her own hands roamed my body this time.  “So good…”

I don’t know who had said it. 

It almost sounded like we’d both said it at the same time and when I slid into her this time, with her eyes looking into mine and her breasts pressed up against me, it was a lot like that night on the dance floor of Whitlock’s club, where things melted away and there was no job… no Marcus and definitely no laws being broken.

Yet.

“What are you doing to me, Edward Cullen?” she whispered as my hips pushed and pulled. 

My hands wrapped around her fully and I grinned at her.  “Making you forget the bad, reminding you this should good.”

Her eyes closed and she pushed herself into a sitting position.

I let her because this time was different.  This time she was… just Bella under there.

She rolled and grinded and let out the most adorable moans as I tried to watch, fighting the urge to close my own eyes, but watching Bella won over and I could feel myself losing it.

The only bit of masculinity I had was holding on a little longer so I could own up to the sixty minute man shit I’d deemed myself to be.

More like six minutes Doug E. Fresh you’re on.

I rolled us over and hitched her leg to make her feel what she was doing to me… pushing harder, thrusting deeper, putting a hand against the head board to gain some sense of balance while Bella’s fingers grasped at my shoulders and tore into my skin.

Our lips met and absorbed the intensity as she came hard, and the sounds…

Her whimpers reminded me of tears as she pulled away from my kiss only to bury her head in my shoulder, holding onto me tightly as I finished my own orgasm.

And it was different alright.

It was like nothing before and nothing ever again.

Terrifying and elating.

Black and white.

Shades of grey.

Sad and happy.

I was almost sorry I’d done it except that it was the single most sane, rational moment I’d had in my entire life.

It wasn’t for Marcus or a job or even just to feel something.  It wasn’t chaotic or rushed…

It was us.

I kissed her when we were breathing normal again.

I kissed her a lot.

I kissed her ears, her nose, her lips, her shoulders… and everything else that she’d let me.  She giggled when it tickled and she slapped me when I bit down a little too hard.  Then giggled some more.

When I fell down next to her, she threw a leg over my midsection and a hand over my chest, rubbing circles with her thumb against my side and I pushed her hair out of her face.

“Thank you,” I told her and I felt the warm air of her breath huff against me. 

“For?”

“For letting me in.”

No double meaning pun type giggle snort intended.

She didn’t respond and I let the tips of my fingers move lightly up and down her arm as I watched the moonlight shine into the room.  Bella sighed one of those sighs.  The ones that said she was falling into sleep finally.  She deserved that much.  Dreamless sleep.  Comfort.  Safety. 

“It’s a Beneteau first forty, by the way.”

“A what?” she asked, confused, and I smiled even though I knew she wouldn’t see it.

“You asked me what I love, she’s my boat.”

“You have a boat?”  She had a sleepy tone to her voice and I doubted very seriously she even heard anything I was saying at that point as I thought about my plans and how, once again, Marcus had screwed me only to better his position in the world of … whatever the fuck world it was that he was living in.

Yeah, he had me.  But not for long.

 “Not yet.”